I have a mirror in my house. It's slightly off and a bit taller than me, but a fairly accurate representation. It is my 12 year old son, Grant. Grant is a funny child. I guess that makes me funny too. He likes to WIN. He expects to WIN, even when it is his first time doing something. Yes, I must admit, that reflection is pretty true of me as well.
Grant is in a school program that affords him some opportunities to participate in some amazing things. Science Fairs, Plays, and most recently a Debate Tournament. He is a first year debater. No experience, unless you count arguing with me a lot :-). I think debate just gives him a sanctioned reason to argue.
He had a tournament this last week and was preparing hard for it. He even donned my husband's blue suit, shirt, and a nice tie and ASKED me for a haircut. (I about fell over on that one.) He was doing everything he knew to win. He wanted to win and He expected to win. He didn't even place. Well, he did, just 1 slot shy of the "trophy round". So he came in #8 out of 60 kids - first time around (the first 7 were recognized). Needless to say Grant didn't take this very well.
Oh, how I have felt that pain of disappointment. There is no doubt, not winning hurts. Especially when you see others around you win. I've been there many times, but I've also had a few more years on him. Which I guess means, I've lost more. I tried to help him understand that winning isn't the most important thing. I've heard people say, "Winning doesn't matter." But is does. And it's not that we should strive to win, but in my mind, there is something EVEN MORE IMPORTANT... LEARNING. What you learn doing things is more valuable than any trophy you collect along the way.
Being someone who promotes Learning & Development for a living, I had a few thoughts on this, and wanted to share them with him. Begrudgingly he listened. I thought I'd share them with you as well:
1. Winning feels good, but if you don't know what you did specifically to win, you might not be able to repeat that success. So LEARNING WHY YOU WON is more important than winning.
2. FEEDBACK ON WHY YOU DIDN'T WIN is probably more valuable than even #1. Now you know what you need to do next time, and there is always a next time.
3. APPLAUD YOUR RISK. No one is going to stand there and give you an ovation for not winning, but you know what you risked, and how much that risk propelled you forward, and gave you the ability to learn.
4. You might not win, but experience it anyway. LEARN FROM IT. That experience is something you never lose.
So I asked him, "What did you learn?" "Enough, he said." Well, he's 12 and I know that parent's aren't so smart at this age, but I hope he'll learn from this and think about it next time.
What about you? How do you see Winning or Learning? Which would you chose?
Other lessons to learn are how to recover from a loss, and how to win (and lose) with grace. Nothing is worse than a poor loser unless it is a poor winner. I vote for learning. Einstein said he never had a failure when in his laboratory. Each time he eliminated one more thing that did not work. Then He had all those inventions, but we only hear about (or remember) the successes.
ReplyDeleteTo quote Ben Shahar, "Learn to fail, or fail to learn, there's no other ways to succeed." Learning from failure is so important, just as important to keep optimistic during the process. Grant is very lucky to have a mother like you.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate failure. What? Yes! The value of failing forward is so worth the effort!
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